Let’s check in on Kevin Federline's latest loony gig and how he’s doing after his split with Brit. The always charming K-Fed chats about being a father figure and a single, albeit family man.
Kevin Federline might be a force of nature.
There, I said it.
In fact, I'm beginning to have an inkling as to why Britney and Shar Jackson got knocked up so many times by the fertile Fed. Either that, or what went down during my chat with him Wednesday is a very strange coincidence.
See, K-Fed was promoting the newly relaunched Axe Body Spray at Hollywood and Highland. You’ve seen the salacious commercials, right? They feature hot, horny gals going wild with animalistic attraction to some Joe Schmo wearing Axe...thus, the “Axe effect.”
Well, let me tell you about the Kevin Federline effect. He pulled up to the event in a black SUV with shiny silver rims, sporting some serious bling and surrounded by way too many bodyguards. Guess life post-Brit’s purse strings ain’t so shabby after all. A 60-foot inflatable can of Axe that doubled as a moon bouncer was on hand, and inside was Kevin, frolicking with the Axe Angels in between interviews.
It was like a wet dream produced and directed by Deuce Bigelow himself. Trying to rally for the randy revelry, I popped a rhetorical one: “How’s the single life treating you?” I asked Brit’s ex, who’s been spotted lately frolicking with femmes from Sin City to South Beach.
“It’s all right,” he demurred, before throwing me for a Father Knows Best loop. “But I see it more like the life of Daddy, because it’s all about the kids right now.”In a flash, I saw how this guy rolls: Hardass baddie on the outside, warm fuzzy daddy on the inside. A study in contradictions! A complex, multifaceted man—how brilliant!
"So, what’s your favorite part about being a father?” I found myself asking, drawn into his image-crafting lair.
He bit, and eagerly. “I like everything—the hardships, the good times. I like being able to play around and watch my kids laugh and scream. It’s hard to say to somebody who doesn’t have kids...I don’t know if you do or you don’t.”
Whoa there, K-Fed! Is this how it all starts? I informed him that I definitely do not—and that I intended on keeping it that way for quite some time, thankyouverymuch.
“But once you have a child, that’s your whole life,” he purred, laying the whole proud-parent bit on thick. Hmmm...this is the same sleazeball who ditched Shar for Brit when she was expecting their second kiddo, right?
“How has being a father changed you?” I tossed out, testing his newfound PR prowess.
“It’s definitely grounded me,” he said. “Everything wild that I used to do got canceled, thrown out the window...no running around the house wearing panties around your head.”
And as if on cue, a wiley gust of wind from one of the power blowers inflating the display began to blow up my gauzy skirt. Thankfully, there was no chance of a Brit's-bits moment, as my nether regions were strategically cotton covered (a neat little trick I learned from my mom, called underwear—you should try it some time, Britney). But still!
Even when he’s pretending to be Mac Daddy of the Year, semi-scandalous stuff manages to happen.
“Uh-oh,” Kevin smirked. “You’re about to have a Marilyn Monroe moment. It’s the body spray.”
Scary! Could simply being in the vicinity of K-Fed cause women to involuntarily bare their skin and lose their clothes? I wasn't willing to test the theory any further.
I bit the bullet and went for my final question: How’s Britney?
“I can’t really talk about that,” he said, so predictably. “I try to keep that private.”
Well, K-Fed, I try to keep certain things private too, so I ended my interview and booked it back to the office.
Oh, almost forgot to tell you: Kevin’s fabulous future plans include attending the Kentucky Derby. He said he’d never been before and would be heading there sans sons to bet on the horses.
So, all you lovely ladies of Louisville, hold on to your hats and skirts—you’ve been warned!