Friday, December 01, 2006

Some comments on Britney's behavior dared to say something today that I think many people do not really want to think about as a possibility. "Believe it or not, it seems that the Fed-Ex may actually have been at least a steadying influence on Britney, even though he's hardly a paragon of upright citizenship himself." Of course they had to tack the last part on, but perhaps it's not completely unfair. I don't think Kevin cheated on Britney, I don't think he spent lots of her money, and I don't believe he's ever tried to blackmail her in any way, shape or form, but that doesn't mean he's a perfect individual. That being said he has come across as devoted to his children (with Shar to back him up), and he always sounded devoted to Britney right up until she filed for divorce. Is it possible that Kevin was good for Britney? Here's a couple of quotes to consider:

Laura Lynne at the wedding in Chaotic:

"I've known Britney my entire life. We grew up together, we're first cousins, our moms are sisters. Well at first we were like are you being serious, are you really getting married? I met him in New York and I could just tell that he loved her so much, and he was so complimentary, he was so encouraging to her. But he also could put her in her place, and that's something that not a lot of people can do with Britney."

September, 2006 GQ:

Federline tells me about the stormy early days in his relationship with Britney. "She thought she could play me," he says, and goes on in what I think is an unintentional little rap. "She was playing games, testing me to see where my head is at, see if she could get away with this or that." When I ask what made him stick it out, he says, "She did. We talked and got over it, and that was that. I let her know where I stood. It was needed, I think, for my relationship, for her to know that I didn't care about all this. I don't care that you're Britney Spears, that the world loves who you are. I don't care about that shit."

I was also reading a speculation today about why Britney might be behaving the way she is. It was from a devoted Britney fan who I respect very much. He thought maybe it was post-partum depression, a manic-depressive personality, or an effort to show control and show she could sabotage things if she wanted to. While I agree that she does seem to be acting in a self-destructive way that could very well indicate depression, I think he's left out a very big part of what she might have to be depressed about. Perhaps he, like many others, does not want to think about what an important person Kevin was to Britney, and what this divorce could be doing to her.

According to, divorce is the second most stressful life event, second only to the death of a spouse. It is more stressful than a jail term or being fired from work. It is even rated more stressful than the death of close family member who is not your spouse. From the site:

Why Does It Hurt So Much?

The great untold story of divorce is how much it hurts - and not just the spouse who's left behind but also even the spouse who's doing the leaving. Many people who have gone through divorce remember that it feels -- it feels like having a piece of yourself ripped away. Ellen put it this way, a year after separation: "This year it's just a dull ache. Last year it hurt to breathe."

People who haven't been through divorce usually can't understand how deep, how searing, and how debilitating the pain is. Try if you want to explain it to them; they probably just won't get it.

At some point in the past, sometimes the very recent past, you felt the sensual, ecstatic thrill of total trust and intimacy with this person. Now this same person is your adversary. You feel betrayed. Of course it's going to hurt.

Another reason it hurts so much is that most people who are going through divorce are having to deal with so many losses all at the same time. You're hurting for a broken relationship, of course. And often at the same time, you're hurting because of that feeling of being betrayed by your spouse. Or maybe you feel betrayed by somebody in your spouse's family.

And often at the same time, you're also hurting over the changes in your life. And there are so many changes connected with divorce. Sometimes you have to change where you live, how you spend your day, what you can afford to do, how much time you spend with your children and on what schedule, and how you can plan for the future, all while you're trying to deal with a whole new world of lawyers, judges, pleadings, and court dates.

And whether we like to admit it or not, there's still a sense of shame connected with divorce. People who are going through divorce feel like failures.

This of course applies to both Kevin and Britney, but for now I'm focusing on Britney's current behavior. Besides all of the above reasons for feeling bad, I'd like to suggest there could be one more for Britney, and that could be guilt. Not many people see a huge, televised, audience of people laugh as their newly-divorced spouse gets made fun of and then dumped in the ocean. This person, who she had just broken a promise with to love and support for the rest of their lives. The truth is Britney really did handle the divorce badly. By building a publicity stunt around the divorce she cheapened the whole marriage. It basically says that her career was more important than her marriage, and perhaps there really is some truth to that. Based on when and how the divorce took place, I am not the only person who has speculated that part of the reason why she filed for divorce was because Kevin was a threat to her career. And that is not a good reason to divorce someone. Again I'm not saying Kevin is perfect, but I am questioning some of Britney's decisions. Some people might be able to do it without blinking an eye, and for the first couple of weeks it seemed like Britney might be one of them. It's almost a relief for me to see that she's isn't that cold and unfeeling. It has softened some of my bad feelings towards her, though I'm still not at a point where I feel cheering for her once again, and maybe I'll never get there.

So what now? Unfortunately this divorce is going to go on for awhile, which is going to be stressful for everyone. Britney really needs to pull out of this self-destructive phase as soon as possible. Though understandable to a point, she's got two babies who need her to be strong. She needs to buy a house soon and get settled for both her and her children's sake, since she doesn't want to live in her old home anymore. She really should suck it up and live there for now anyway, since it's familiar to her kids and they could use as much of that as possible. In other words, the kids need to come first, no matter how bad their parents may be feeling right now. Britney, forget "rebellion" and think "responsibility."

And so we wait to see what will happen next...


Anonymous said...

So Brit is now hanging out with that fat, oily Elvis impersonator?


Anonymous said...

How do we know the kids aren't with Kevin right now when Brit goes out? Maybe the divorce isn't as dirty as everyone thinks/wants it to be.

Alison said...

^ Maybe, I hope you're right.

Anonymous said...

LOL I hope I am too. Everyone is trying to put the blame on the other and it's ridiculus. I find it funny how people are like don't believe the tabloids about Kevin yet if the same publication prints something about Brit they believe it. It's dumb, neither are saints and I doubt they are evil, cold-hearted, and maipulative.

O yeah and the guy who produced the House of Carters iconfirmed he is talking to Kevin about doing a reality show.

Alison said...

^ Thanks, I'm going to post the reality show stuff in a minute. I don't believe the tabloids in most cases for either Kevin or Britney, but we do have some photographic evidence that Britney has been acting a little off lately.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this girl goes out for a week and a half and she's some tramp, crazy girl? Let me ask you federline fans something. How did you feel about kevin and all the so called partying and leaving brit and home and shit? How do you feel about him knowing that he has only seen jayden a couple times? Now all of a sudden kevin is a saint? please,lol.

Anonymous said...

the only loss that hurts fed-ex the most is that all of his credit cards were denied and all his toys that brit bought him went back to the store...

from my personal experience, nobody wins in a divorce, it is equal to a death in the family, but the only people that really get hurt are the children(amp this up because it's all displayed for public consumption by the media)...
let the court decide what's best for the children...

the conspiracy theorist

Anonymous said...


Some people mate for life, some people mate for seasons of their lives. Some people mate only until the magic is gone. It's important to understand what kind of person you are, and find someone who is similar so you don't spread unhappiness.

If you can't make the committment to mate for life, for goodness sakes don't pretend that you can, and don't tell the big lie of promising someone a life with you forever.

Her history, and the lightness she took marriage looks like she wasn't making it a life time committment from the beginning.

It appears her season with him is over.

She might grow up, grow out of the silliness and senseless of promising something she can't give. It seems like Angelina now has that wisdom. Or she might experience many seasons and many relationships like Liz Taylor or Liza Minnelli, two other beautiful stars who were children really when they started falling in love.

Kevin's background also has at least one other committed relationship that did not last. Maybe his season with Britney was over too, some say so, or maybe it wasn't but unless he tells us we don't know.

Many people do tell us this, when their hearts are broken. Nicole Kidman told us this about her relationship with Tom.

Until they tell us we don't know what they are thinking.


Anonymous said...

I wish the kids could be shipped off to a loving, stable couple who can't have any of their own.

Neither Spears nor Federline have the maturity or attention span to handle parenthood.

Anonymous said...

ditto that thought.

I would not want to live the lives of these children.

I think Angelina's children will have a better place in the world.

Anonymous said...

Again, you go on a rant about how Britney did this and Britney did that. You say Kevin spent none of Britney's money when that's obviously false. She broke a promise? Well, in all honesty she didn't divorce him because hew as the perfect husband. Sounds like he broke it first. Now, they are of course both to blame. I don't think she's gulity for dumping Kevin. I do think the combo of the divorce, depression and just not knowing what to do with her life is causing her pain right now. But she actually does seem to be improving. I hope she okay. Kevin I don't give a fuck about.

Alison said...

Marcia - you may be right about it being "seasonal" for Britney, that was my first thought when I heard she filed for divorce. I doubt that was true for Kevin based on some of his quotes less the 2 weeks before the divorce:

"Our relationship is strong. ... We are going to last a long time."
– Kevin Federline, to PEOPLE (November 2006)

Tyra Banks: Do you feel like you and Britney are forever?

Kevin: Of course, that's the love of my life, I don't see myself with anybody else at all. It's good you know, it's like we work well together, for some reason it just works.
- Tyra Banks (November 1, 2006)

Kevin says that his kids with Shar were planned, so I'll bet if Britney had wanted something similar without getting married, Kevin might have agreed. Instead she asked him to marry her. It really seems like Kevin took that commitment far more seriously than Britney did, which I don't like.

Anonymous said...

When a person leaves a marriage, they say to the world, I know I promised for rich, for poorer, in sickness and in health...but here are the reasons that I can not live up to that promise.....

Regardless of what we think might have happened in this "he said, she said world" there is legal proof that she decided to end the marriage.

Marriage is a custom that is thousands of years of old, and it was designed by the wise elders of the comunities (and some say by a Higher power) to support a stable union to nurture and take of children. It was designed originally to be a promise made in front of everyone that you would do all you could to honor it, beleive in it and make it work. In vows there is generally a line that indicates that it should not be taken lightly...

Some sociologists doubt that man is programmed like some animals to mate for life. Some say we are, and point to the fact that most of the individual cultures support a monogamist life style. I think the reality is that we have to understand who we are as individuals first, and then determine what we want in a mate. Most of the time we don't even know who we are until we're in our mid-late 20's, so how do we know who the best possible personality is for us to mate with? Until then, we run on our hormones as directors.

Someone or both people in this relationship said " I don't want to live this way anymore". Maybe they did it by getting out of the house, by going to Vegas, or maybe they just said, I think my old life before you was better. Maybe they were depressed, maybe they wanted the limelight. Maybe they are each searching for something they couldn't find in the marriage.

All of this doesn't matter to the children.

Now they have to get their acts together and figure out how to make a good life for their children. Generally the expectation is to lead and nurture by example- and NEITHER of these folks are doing a very good job of that right now. Yeah, we can forgive their faults, grant them license to party, to be young and free, but in the end, will they do a good job at the most important job there is?

Alison said...

As you said before though we don't really know what is going on with the children. We do know that Britney filed for sole custody, and that Kevin responded by also filing for sole custody. We know that Kevin met with his lawyer recently. We've seen Britney with Sean so it appears she has temporary custody right now. We know they are both in LA. We don't know if they've been able to co-operate as far as both spending time with the children.

Kevin did finish his tour and his commitments for his album, I don't know that it's fair to fault him for that. When he was making his tour plans he wanted Britney and the kids to be able to join him sometimes, but that's not what happened.

Britney has been seen out a lot lately. We don't really know how much time either one is spending with the kids, or what power struggles might be going on.

Kevin said in one interview that he wanted to work really hard until he was 30 and then slow down and focus on the kids. I'm not saying that he never made any mistakes. He's said that they partying rumors were overblown but he probably did go out more than he should have. But right at this moment, since the divorce papers were filed and Kevin completed his touring responsibilties, it does appear to me that Kevin is taking the custody issue and the kids more seriously of the two of them.

Anonymous said...

See the thing is that if Kevin wanted the kids and though Brit was truly unfit, you can go to court and try to get temporary custody before the final custody hearing. It's weird to me he hasn't. If you are using quotes from what he said about his relationship you might want to include the ones about how Britney is a great mother instead of just Kevin saying how much he loves his wife. If he thinks she is unfit now, then why would he have left his children with her for the past year while he worked on his album, promoted it, etc.

Anonymous said...

Some courts will grant you emergency custody without notice to the other parent and without that parent present ("ex parte"). Courts will usually only do this in extreme situations. You will need to prove to the judge that your kids are in danger in order to get an emergency custody order like this. You also will need to resolve the situation permanently as "ex parte" orders generally are only for a short period of time.

Maybe Britney talked to a judge and got this. If Kevin thought she was so unfit and stuff he could appear in front of the judge and try to get temporary custody until the custody case is finally settled in court.

Alison said...

We don't know whether Kevin is trying to get temporary custody or not. We know he's met with his lawyer but we don't know what happened after that.

You're right, he did say a lot of nice about Britney being a mom and he defended her when they were married. I suspect after the way she divorced him he has far less trust in her to play fair when it comes to the kids.

Anonymous said...

How was the way she divorced him? As far as I know we have no clue how the divorce went down or even the specific reason for it.

Alison said...

We have some clues:

Anonymous said...

Looks like Larry's back and house hunting with Britney. He seems to know what Britney should be doing. Too bad she can't figure it out for herself.

Anonymous said...

Where are we now?
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